Blog.

It's a different Wednesday.

2009-09-30T16:20:00.002+01:00

More exciting news!

So I just had my brain turned into tiny pieces of mashed potato at the sound of an album trailer. Man am I stoked.

The thirty-eight part series of people I hate has been condensed to six. Yes it's a huge drop but if you're disappointed then you need to get out more. One of the six will concern drivers.

In fact all six may be about drivers at this rate.

Stay tuned!

It's Wednesday.

2009-06-10T14:09:00.002+01:00

Exciting news!

Coming soon - A thirty-eight part series concerning the kinds of people I hate!

It may even have pictures.

no.

2009-05-10T14:39:00.002+01:00

no.

no

A list of things I invented.

2009-02-03T23:58:00.011Z

Three Kinds of Tree.

The Maple, The Canadian Redwood, and the Oak. These were but mere trivialities in my designing years, I did however feel that Maple works better as a sauce than a tree.

The Chicken

Ah yes, the most famous of poultry. Originally designed to detect landmines in the Second World War (any "chickens" recorded before this event are fake), they would be sent out by soldiers to sniff out landmines. An unforseen side-effect was that nearby soldiers got a free meal when they stumbled upon one.

Hong Kong's Road Network.

Despite there being no dwellings in Hong Kong at this time, I was ordered to create the road network anyway. I was approached by a rival company who wished to go forward with some kind of amalgamation of both my Chicken invention and my Roads, creating some kind of forced humour. I was not interested and a cheap copy was fabricated. The legal battle ensues.

Pogo Sticks.

Solely as a means of transport from one orbital platform to another. Uses now are somewhat limited by the people at Gravity®.

Anger.

In my final years as a creator I was asked to design something as a follow-up to Love. Anger has a half-life relative to the unstable atom of L0v3 (Love), being roughly twice as potent yet lasting about one-fifth as long as the former.

The Appendix.

Yeah, I messed up. It was meant to produce small amounts of gold every day; instead it blows up and kills you.

More to come later.

Welcome to The Internet.

2008-10-11T00:03:00.004+01:00

Porn.

LolCats.

Duckroll.

Choose wisely.

Reasons Why I Hate The Summer.

2008-07-01T18:06:00.007+01:00

>So, today's the hottest day thus far, very well, as I sit here, baking in my own skin, I pause to wonder why people rave about Summer so much.

So, in my humble words, a few reason why Summer sucks more than than Celine Dion's cover of AC/DC's 'You Shook Me All Night Long', which can be seen here.

1. It's too bright - The sun makes everyone facing one way scowl like they're passing a brick (or look like dicks and wear sunglasses), and everyone facing the other way get second-degree burns all over their backs.

2. It brings out the worst in people's fashion - Seriously, you're fat, I can say this because I'm fat as well, but I'm not wearing short shorts and a low-cut top am I? Nor would I were I you, especially not when I'm about fifty-six and everyone can see where I'm sweating from. Everyone, I say.

3. Kids - The Summer means kids go out to play in their gardens. Fine. But when a family decides in order to make the most of the summer, they need to invite every member of their sprawling family over, it can begin to grate. Young kids get hyper in the sun, rather than burnt like in the good old days, so whenever anyone on my street decides to let the little bastards out all I can hear is them shrieking at each other whilst they play their games. Oh and these family get-togethers always have at least four kids fall over and graze their knee, so I have to hear them bawling for about thirty minutes at a time.

4. Adults - Ok, maybe in the daytime I can understand you wish to sit out on the lawn with a cool glass of Pimms or whatever it is you drink, I can put up with that as I can drown you out with unseasonal music. However when this option goes away at night, why must you sit next door and converse in extremely loud voices until about 2am? I don't care what it is yo have to say, and there's a good chance no-one else present does either, so shut up.

And no, closing my window is NOT an option, because to sleep in the Summer with a bedroom window closed is impossible.

5. Sleep - In fact, sleeping at all during the summer is harder than MCR fans around members of the same sex. By the time 2.30am creeps around and you've thrown off all your sheets to cool down, you're past tired and just want pizza, which you can't have because it's too damn hot. For the fortunate who eventually pass out into slumber, they're rewarded by waking up in a bed of their own sweat, and a dire urge to eat pizza anyway.

6. Clothes - If you're fat*, you can't wear anything lighter than black due to sweat patches. And black is a fucking stupid colour to wear in Winter.

7. Driving - Your car turns into a freaking oven, the seat belts are too hot to touch, your steering wheel melts upon contact and all the 'Cold air' blowers do is turbo-charge warm air around the car. Best solution is opening the window, however this allows for: too much engine noise, an inability to hear your music, the the warm breeze messes your hair up and makes you go blind, and you're prone to getting dragged out through the window, stabbed, mugged, shot and having your car stolen.

* Disclaimer - I am fat.

Second.

2008-04-23T19:17:00.002+01:00

I do not like Army-Issue instant tea.

First.

2008-04-17T15:51:00.005+01:00

Yeah you're all familiar with the first post in any blog.

"Here's a picture of my horse, and it's all wrong because I can't use HTML"

So, I'm going to hopefully fill this site with awesome* shiznits, might even be funny, you never know.

But oh boy it won't be:

"Mood - Semi-phasic/temperamental-sulky

I couldn't sleep last night, so I ate a sandwich, it was ok

I feel rubbish, why does the world hate me? I need Linkin Park"

No, I'm going to try my darndest to make it actually readable, and watchable.

So, hopefully, it should be packed with witty commentaries on the week at hand, or the week just passed, whichever. Plus it'll be the proving ground for my comics I want to try and make. This may fail. Hard.

*May not be awesome.